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Archive for December, 2011

Someone that I missed

I find out that I really do not understand this guy who just become my closest man in my life. He is suppose to love and care about me for anything. But things had changed. I still rememberred how much he care about me when we just in love in year 20o6.


We will never complaint about anything. For me, he is so perfect and gentlement. From time to time, he will bring me surprices. Always make me feel touches of his actions. I thought he will be more loving after we got married. This is all my only one side thinking. He had stop said sweet words with me. He had stop singing for me. He had stop worried about me. Even the housework also he wont volunteer to do. Because he got no time. All his time had been reserved by the computer.


Now, everyday we will have same routine. After reached home, I will do all the housework (cleaning room, washing clothes / toilets, sweep or mop the floor). At the same time, he will directly sit on his chairs for at least 3 hours. Surfing fb, websites or blogs. Then start complaint about stress of bloging.


Then I will do nothing or watch my drama. At 12am, I will have to sleep with the light open. I dont understand why cant he care about his health.


And today, without any reason I got scolded from him. He dont know how much fear I had at this moment. Already two weeks, but my condition is yet to recover. The longer the bleeding is the longer my body going to recover. And as expected, some1 is going to complaint again as I cant have sex with him. But he wont know that the longer this condition going on, the danger it will be to the wife.


I thought when we married to someone that we love, he will fulfil his promised. Loving and care for you forever by proven action and not my saying. I really missed the man he was. God, this is just start of our life. I want to have a lovely family. Not the life we have now.


Why cant he kept his promise? Why event is his priority now? He will be angry if late for event. But he will not be angry if he late for meeting his wife. He will be happy if got event invitation. But he will not be that happy when he meet his wife after work.


God god. I pray for the man I knew to return. Would you give him back to me? What can I do to get him back? Or this is people call married life?


Blighted Ovum

On 5/12/11, 9.30pm I was admitted at Prince Court Medical Center. Finally the frightening moment arise. At 6am, the nurse and midwife provide some medication pills to my vaginal. This is to ensure that my vaginal will become wider so that the Dr can easily done the D&C operation.

Oh my God. Only God and those who had the D&C operation before know how I felt. I am not allow to wake up or go toilet for 1 hour. The medication make my womb so cramp and painful. At the same times, something is pulling my legs. At 7.30am, finally I was allow to go toilet to pee. Ohno… so painful.

Since the operation will start at 8.30am, I need to waited the horrible moment with my pain for another 1 hour. The cramp keep repeating. The pain remind me of the God had taken away my chance of being a mother. I am physically and emotionally painful. I wish there is a fast forward timer for me. It is very suffering that time.

Finally at 8.30am, I was bring to Level 2, operation room. I was put on sleep and finally I am being wake up at 10am in a recovery room. At 10.30am, the nurse bring me back to my ward. Thank God, Isaac was there for me. But I feel sad to see him sick and quite worry about him.

At 5.30pm, I was being discharged from the hospital and we brought a flight ticket back to Penang. Being alone at KL will make me more sad. This really a hard moment for me. As I undergo most of the pregnancy symptoms and yet, the God seem so cruel to me. But this is my fate, so I just have to take it. I am not sure how long it will take me to be emotionally prepare for another pregnancy.


I wish someone can wipe my memory away. All the best to me.


Sad Day of My Life After 6-7 Weeks

On 21/10/11, i am so happy to know that I am pregnant as confirmed by the Dr at Twin Tower Medical Center. Everything goes so smooth for the pass 1 and the half month. I have morning sickness and bloating after meal. At the same time I also suffer the vaginal infection. I had my 1st checkup on 15/11/11 and 2nd checkup on 21/11/11. During that time Dr said that the progress of the pregnancy development is a bit slow. We saw a yolk sac on 21/11/11 without any fetal pole nor heartbeats. Will be having the 3rd check-up on 9/12/11 to see if can see the heartbeats of the baby.

All my joy just end today when I woke up this morning 4/12/11 at 9am. There is a heavy blood come out. Similar to the one I have during my normal period. Hence Isaac brought me to Prince Court Medical Center. After the check-up, the Dr suggest for D&C as the baby does not happen. According to Dr, 20% of the pregnancies does end up like mind. The chromosome just doesn’t develop.

Dr said there are 3 solutions for this case. 1st is to take medication to clean the pregnancies sac. 2nd is wait for two weeks for natural miscarriage. 3rd is undergo D&C operation. According to Dr Tan, D&C is better as to ensure total cleanup for all the pregnancies cells. Finally both Isaac and I agree to undergo the D&C on Tuesday (6/12/11, 8.30am). I will be admitted on Monday, 9pm. Even though it is not as bad as having the baby and then baby dies during pregnancies. But it is still very sad to get the news that the chromosome just fail to develop the embryo.

Why the God is so cruel to give me hope and take my hope away even before I get to hear the heartbeats. I thought Isaac will be here with me. But he just cant leave his priority event. Leaving me alone at home. I try to forget about the sad sad news that I received from the Dr today by watching movie and doing housework. Nothing is working. My mind just cant stop thinking about it.

I am not sure how long it will took me to forget about this sad news. I just hope that my life can go back to normal as soon as possible.

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